#30 Mortdecai

The Movie:Mortdecai 2015. Written by Eric Aronson Directed by David Koepp Starring: Johnny Depp

So I saw Mortdecai for the first time early this year., and I had food poisoning the day after, and I have to say given the choice between the two, I definitely preferred the food poisoning.

Jesus this movie is bad. I don’t even know where to start. The movie follows johnny depp as the titular Mortdecai, who has just started to grow a mustache. No really. There is a plot about some sort of lost art, and I believe that Depp played an illegal art dealer in the movie, but the crux of the plot lies on Johnny Depp (and his funny* accent) not wanting to shave his new mustache, and his wife (played lamely by Gwyneth Paltrow’s funny* accent) gagging every time she kisses him. 

Now I can say all of this to you, and I’m sure you know this movie is garbage. I’m sure you knew before I said anything. Anyone who’s seen a trailer for this movie knows it looks like the same schlock Depp has been putting out for a while now.

Except it’s not.

this movie is so unbelievably bad. It’s a comedy -or I was led to believe it was- yet there is hardly anything that you could constitute as a joke. Depp and Paltrow have funny* accents, sure but they’re so bad it’s almost unintelligible. People give Adam Sandler hell for his late Jerry Lewis-esque movies (as well they should) but at least Grown Ups 2 has jokes. Sure they’re dumb and racist an homophobic and base, but they are jokes. Even if you don’t laugh, you can imagine a person who might laugh at them. 

Mordtecai is astonishing. I sat in the theater honestly for 45 min not fully understanding the plot or the circumstances or the characters. This is a movie, by the way, that has Johnny Depp narrating over the entirety of the run. Yet I still found myself not understanding what was going on, or why I should care. Say what you will about Paul Blart: Mall Cop (its not funny and Kevin James makes my face sad) but at least I could watch that, and understand the plot and characters. Mortdecai is so late to establishing itself, that I couldn’t care if I tried. and I did try!

One positive thing, I guess, is the film’s cinematography. Allison watched with me, and she pointed out how beautifully shot this movie is. I just wish the DP was off doing something better with his time. (Florian Hoffmeister, in case you were wondering)

Should you watch this movie? No

Where can you watch this movie? Amazon

No Recommendation today. I am the sleeps.