#3 The Master of Disguise

The Movie: The Master of Disguise- 2002. Written by Dana Carvey and Harris Goldberg Directed by Perry Andelin Blake (no wiki) Staring Dana Carvey, Jennifer Esposito, Harold Gould James Brolin and Brent Spiner

This one is gonna hurt.

I'm of the firm belief in liking what you like. I know that certain things hit certain people in ways that means more that it might for me. Because of this I have held on to things that I liked as a kid and continued with a similar and sometimes greater enthusiasm than I had as a child. I still play Pokemon (moderately competitively) and I still love the early animation I was shown as a child. That said, I guess it's time to admit, that when The Master of Disguise came out, I fucking loved it. I quoted this thing to everybody. I thought inserting -turtle- into conversation was the most hilarious thing I'd ever heard. Please remember I was also 10 years old.

Going back to it... I feel really bad for my parents. How did they put up with this shit? Just a cacophony of funny voices and offensive impersonations, mixed with the early 00's Adam Sandler sensibility of gross out humor and fart jokes.

The story begins with our villain Devlin Boeman (Brent Spiner) chasing Bo Derek (playing herself...sort of) out of his lair. Bo lands in the car, and our narrator- Grandpa (Harold Gould) informs us that this woman is his son Fabrrizio (James Brolin) who removes his Mission Impossible mask. We then learn about an ancient order of Masters of Disguise, of which the entire line of this family are members. Fabrrizio decries that he will never let his son join this life.

23 years later, we cut to the Italian restaurant of Fabrizzio and are introduced to the hero of the film. Pistachio Disguisey (Dana Carvy). No. Really. The name of the main character of the Master of Disguise is Pistachio DISGUISEY. This whole family are members of a secret order of masters of disguise, and their last name is Disguise-y. Fabrizzio walks in on his son with his underwear on his head and a big shaving cream beard, and scolds him for putting on disguises.

I feel at this point it's important to mention that Dana Carvy speaks in a crazy person's interpretation of  an Italian accent throughout this entire film. It is unbearable, and only merits a laugh a few times. Mostly though that's the story with all of Dana's voices. Their funny on their own, but put in context, their pretty offensive.

So anyway. After some stuff where Pistachio is nice to a kid, Fabrizzio and his wife are kidnapped in the night. There is a pretty funny scene where Pistachio calls the police and tries to give the phone to a cannoli so the cannoli can explain what it saw, and while yeah it's the stupidest thing I've ever seen (until the turtle scene... more on that in a moment) it does work as a short funny scene. All of a sudden, Grandpa Disguisey shows up and tells his grandson the family secret.

This leads to a hilarious* training montage, and then yet another montage where Grandpa and Pistachio look for an assistant, because all great masters of disguise need an assistant. We meet Jennifer (Jennifer Esposito) who -twist- is the mother of the boy that Pistachio was nice to the other day.

I don't actually know how to explain this next scene. I don't have any jokes, so instead I'll just explain what happens verbatim. Pistachio and Jennifer are rooting around in the garbage looking for clues, when Jennifer finds a cigar from the Turtle Club. Smash cut to Jennifer and Pistachio walking into the turtle club. but wait! Pistachio misunderstood what this meant and has dressed himself like a turtle man. The two of them get in because Jennifer hits on the door man, and then Pistachio threatens the man giving them information. Also every time he feels a moment of silence he says the word turtle. Like the weirdest kind of tourettes you've ever seen. THEN. Fucking THEN, three men hit on Jennifer and make fun of Pistachio for being a turtle, so he hides in his shell, and then bites a man's noses off. Then he spits it back on and spins on the floor.

You know what? The fucking end. I know the movie has like 30 more min, but that's where the movie might as well end. Don't you worry I finished it, but this turtle scene is fucking unreal man. I watched it like 10 times to try to understand it. What was anyone fucking thinking? I have so many questions. What is a Turtle man? Is he an actual turtle? or is he just a guy in a big suit? Why does being a turtle mean he has the ability to rip a man's noes off? tens of people saw this costume and this impression and character, and were all like "yeah, that seems funny" not a single person was like, "hey, what the fuck is going on? What is a turtle man? What does this scene accomplish?" ugh. I'm exhausted.

Should you watch this movie?: NO. Hard no. Do not watch this movie. This was one of the biggest chores I've had to suffer through in a long time. It's 81 min and it feels like I'm older, haggard. Like I haven't seen the sun in years. Perhaps I've always been watching the Master of Disguise. I'll always be watching the Master Disguise. When I die, I'll close my eyes and all there will be is the raspy dopey voice of Dana Carvy whispering "Turtle"

Where can I watch this movie?: It's on netflix. Don't do it.

Thanks for reading. three down, twenty eight to go. All through October, it's Octerrible. I'll be watching a new bad movie every day. Thanks* to Nick Canon and Ami Hickmon for this request. I'll see you tomorrow.