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| this scene takes 45 minutes and 5 men to throw a rock, kinda. |
You know, after the week of Adam Sandler I promised to give myself a break. Those movies were exceptionally bad, and I knew if I were to finish I'd have to raise the bar on theses movies. The unfortunate side effect of that break I've given myself is that, honestly the movies haven't been terribly bad. So as we're winding down, I thought it only fitting to double down on these. So for the last 6 reviews I'm going deep into the recesses of bad, and pulling out some of the worst movies of all time, starting today with M. Night Shyamalan's opus The Last Airbender.
So... is there anyway I could go back to watching Adam Sandler movies?
I kind of wish there was more of a joke to that sentiment.
So The Last Airbender has exactly 1 defender (and his name rhymes with Shmim. Shnight Shmamalan) so I worry that reviewing it will expose me as not having an original thought about a really very fascinating bomb of a movie. Wait, did I say facinating? I meant boring. And did I just do a "Wait did I say (blank), I meant (other blank) joke? because I don't care this movie isn't trying why should I?
I should admit at this time that I truly love the Avatar: The Last Airbender series (the cartoon). I think it's one of the best childrens shows in quite some time, and really played well with both adult and childish themes. It's a very touching show at times, and all of the visuals are amazing. That being said, I'm trying very hard not to compare the two things, because the movie is not the show, and the show is not the movie.
The movie begins with a really long monologue delivered by Katara (Nameless child actor #2) while Aang (Nameless child actor #1) does his green belt training montage (I'm not attacking this kid, I can't do any of the martial arts he can, but I refuse not to acknowledge how dumb this looks) we learn about the four nations, and their bending abilities. The fire nation are bad. There is a thing called the Avatar who is like Neo in the Matrix, or Harry Potter, or Frodo, or... We meet Aang who was frozen in a block of ice Captain America style, and is now alive 100 years later. He's supposed to be the reincarnated Avatar. He's The Last Air bender. If it sounds like there is nothing linking my thoughts, it's not that, it's that this movie has no flow at all.
The fire nation capture Aang, and then he gets away. He and his friends go to an old temple and he finds out all his friends are dead. they then go on a montage where they save people and stuff. Other things happen. Aang goes to the Northern Water Tribe and learns to Water Bend. This movie is unwatchable. The bad guys do bad guy things and send all their bad guy boats to the Water Tribe. The main bad guy kills a Koy fish. and then Aang summons a big tidal wave and (Presumably) kills all of the fire nation people on the boats inbound to the Northern Water Temple
SO
Um... this movie is awful. But you know that. It's very racially flat (odd because the show has a very diverse cast of characters.) and the child actors are hella bad. Like imagine if the kid from Looper got a botched frontal lobotomy. He'd still be 10 times the actor of these kids. Like if the kid who played Anakin from Phantom Menace was acting with a concussion he'd still be Pacino compared to these kids. Shyamalan has clearly given up here, and I won't even claim it's too bad. He's not a has been, he's a lucky as hell never was who won't stop shitting out these terrible fucking films until they stop making money (which they only recently have)
Should you see this movie? Don't pay for it. If you see it, it will be an experience, and it could be fun to riff on it with friends.
Where can I watch this movie? Amazon, and other less reputable sites...
Recommendations: I really understand when people say they hate Anthony Jeselnik. Even as a huge fan of the shock comic, I realise that people getting offended is their right. I don't think that gives them the right to get him to stop, but I do believe and support their right to say something about it, and to turn it off. He tells pitch black comedy. He jokes about national tragedies the day they happen. He tells so many jokes about hurting kids that he comments on that fact in the middle of his set. Thoughts and Prayers (Which you can find on Netflix) is perhaps the best look at what makes Anthony Jeselnik who he is. He does the normal set, for 40 min and it's all what you'd expect. It's dark to a point of ridiculousness, and it's funny in the "oh my god, what even are you?" kind of way. but the highlight of the set is at the end, in which he devotes 20 min to discussing his own pathos and why he is the way he is. He talks about tweeting about the boston marathon bombing, and a meeting he held with a big wig at comedy central where they told him, "Anthony, when you make jokes about a national tragedy it comes off like you're making fun of the victims." I'll leave you with what he says in response, because I think it might be the most poignent and cogent thing I've ever heard, and a huge take down of our social media lifestyle. He says:"But that's not what I'm doing, because you see, the day of a tragedy victims are not on twitter...The day of a tragedy, victims have got victim shit to do... This is who I'm making fun of, when I make a joke on twitter the day of a tragedy. People who see something horrible happen in the world, and run to the internet...and they all write down the exact same thing. My thought and prayers. My thoughts and prayers for the people in Aurora, My thoughts and prayers for the families in boston. You know what that's worth? Fuckin nothing. Fucking less than nothing... you are not giving any of your time, your money, or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing is saying "Don't forget about me today" "Don't forget about me" "Lots of crazy distractions in the news right now, but don't forget about how sads I am." Those people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of.
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