#31 Batman and Robin

The Movie: Batman and Robin 1997. Written by Academy Award Wining Writer Akiva Goldsman Directed by Joel Schumacher Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, and Alicia Silverstone

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I wasn't sure I'd make it to this one tonight. I just got of the worst/most-unprofessional tech day of my life. I spent 9 hours moving a giant platform, with a grand piano on it, back and forth, so honestly I'm running on fumes. Or should I say spite. Because when I thought about the idea of packing in my movie review month the day it finished because of some unprofessional dick doesn't understand that things move slowly when you put a grand piano on top of them sounded worse than any fate that could befall me. I will not give up. I will not fail you (the 5-15 people who read these). I will endure.

So enough self-aggrandizing on to the snobbery and esoteric references. (Something something Booster Gold.) Do you guys want me to summarize this movie? I mean, no right? everyone has seen the movie where the guy who wants a new ice age, and the lady who wants the planet to be covered in plants team up to do those things and never question how that was going to work out in the end. Also the only batman movie featuring the BatCredit Card (Never leave the cave with out it)? Also bat girl is in it, but she seems really bored.

Batman and Robin is, I think, perhaps the most important bad movie ever made. It's a symbol to greedy cash ins. It is the patron saint of the Hate Watch, and (truly) a fabulous piece of pop-art.

It is also a piece of shit.

#30 Mortdecai

The Movie:Mortdecai 2015. Written by Eric Aronson Directed by David Koepp Starring: Johnny Depp

So I saw Mortdecai for the first time early this year., and I had food poisoning the day after, and I have to say given the choice between the two, I definitely preferred the food poisoning.

Jesus this movie is bad. I don’t even know where to start. The movie follows johnny depp as the titular Mortdecai, who has just started to grow a mustache. No really. There is a plot about some sort of lost art, and I believe that Depp played an illegal art dealer in the movie, but the crux of the plot lies on Johnny Depp (and his funny* accent) not wanting to shave his new mustache, and his wife (played lamely by Gwyneth Paltrow’s funny* accent) gagging every time she kisses him. 

Now I can say all of this to you, and I’m sure you know this movie is garbage. I’m sure you knew before I said anything. Anyone who’s seen a trailer for this movie knows it looks like the same schlock Depp has been putting out for a while now.

Except it’s not.

this movie is so unbelievably bad. It’s a comedy -or I was led to believe it was- yet there is hardly anything that you could constitute as a joke. Depp and Paltrow have funny* accents, sure but they’re so bad it’s almost unintelligible. People give Adam Sandler hell for his late Jerry Lewis-esque movies (as well they should) but at least Grown Ups 2 has jokes. Sure they’re dumb and racist an homophobic and base, but they are jokes. Even if you don’t laugh, you can imagine a person who might laugh at them. 

Mordtecai is astonishing. I sat in the theater honestly for 45 min not fully understanding the plot or the circumstances or the characters. This is a movie, by the way, that has Johnny Depp narrating over the entirety of the run. Yet I still found myself not understanding what was going on, or why I should care. Say what you will about Paul Blart: Mall Cop (its not funny and Kevin James makes my face sad) but at least I could watch that, and understand the plot and characters. Mortdecai is so late to establishing itself, that I couldn’t care if I tried. and I did try!

One positive thing, I guess, is the film’s cinematography. Allison watched with me, and she pointed out how beautifully shot this movie is. I just wish the DP was off doing something better with his time. (Florian Hoffmeister, in case you were wondering)

Should you watch this movie? No

Where can you watch this movie? Amazon

No Recommendation today. I am the sleeps.

#29 Free Birds

The Movie: Free Birds (2013)Written and Directed by Jimmy Hayward. Starring:Owen Wilson, Woody Harrelson, and Amy Poehler

There are very few wide release animated films that don’t carry a Disney or DreamWorks insignia. As a fan of both independent film and animated features, I was hesitantly optimistic about Reel FX Creative Studios and Relativity Media’s Free Birds-perhaps it would be better than anyone gave it credit for being. Unfortunately it did not live up to my relatively low expectations

If you don’t know the premise, it stars Owen Wilson as Reggie the pardoned Turkey of 2013 and Woody Harrelson as Jake a turkey with a troubled past hell bent on going back in time to take turkey off of the thanksgiving menu. I have to admit; when I heard the conceit I was excited. Time travel is one of my favorite ideas in any media. My favorite books involve time travel, as do several of my favorite movies.  Time travel, I think, is a ubiquitous thought. The need and want to go back and fix an error in our lives, or in the lives of others is very human. This premise-delivered directly to camera by Harrelson’s Jake- is hilariously offbeat, even in a genre full of offbeat ideas. Unfortunately Free Birds is a movie that touches on ideas but never comes close to delivering on a single one.

The problem is systemic. It’s a structural problem that I see more and more movies struggling with. Free Birds stars Reggie (Owen Wilson) the average action/animated hero. A smarter-than-everyone-around-him plucky introvert with a heart of gold and “deep” personal insecurities- that really just boil down to being lonely- who saves the day and gets the girl. If this were a live action movie he’d be played by Charlie Hunnam. He is the embodiment of “scruffy white male” (even though in truth he is a clean shaven brown turkey) I don’t know why Hollywood seems to believe that a movie can only star a scruffy white male. There are countless movies that could be improved if we could try another character as the audience surrogate.

Aside from Reggie, the film stars Harrelson as Jake, who he plays in his very Harrelson way of bizarre speech patterns and tough guy bravado. Harrelson is one of the few bright spots in the film. It’s a shame so much of it is devoted to the boring Reggie character and his hackneyed love story with Amy Poehler’s Jenny-the which should bear little mention in any review. Also positive is the Time Machine named S.T.E.V.E played with aplomb by George Takei. Honestly S.T.E.V.E is the only truly unique part of Free Birds, which is saying a lot for a movie with such a unique premise.

The second biggest disappointment-aside from not delivering on a winning premise- is the waste of an incredibly talented cast. Everyone in this film is truly hilarious in other things. Your time would be much better spent watching any of those things. This is a movie with Owen Wilson, Woody Harrelson, Amy Poehler, George Takei and Keith David, and it can’t seem to make the jokes land. All of that lies directly on the shoulders of the writers.  

At the end of the day, Free Birds is a forgettable film. A movie with so much borrowed humor that has been done better in nearly every other incarnation. I see no reason to put effort into watching this film.

Should you watch this movie? Nah.

Where can I watch this movie? Netflix.

Recommendation: I really hate morning zoo style radio shows. I think they bring out the worst in people and are almost exclusively angry white menBeing vaguely racist/homophobic/sexist/generally the worst kind of human garbage. So it is actually quite odd that I love Jordan Jesse Go! the flagship (?) podcast of the Maxfun network. In it "America's Radio Sweetheart" Jesse Thorn and "Boy Wonder" Jordan Morris kind of just bullshit around with a guest, it is in many ways similar to a normal morning zoo style. However Thorn's focus, and Morris' affability (along with riffs that never know when to quit) provide some of the biggest laughs I've ever had. You can find it here, or download it on Itunes.

#28 Dudley Do-Right

The Movie: Dudley Do-Right 1999. Written and Directed by Hugh Wilson. Starring: Brendan Fraser, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Alfred Molina as Snidely Whiplash

I could probably have done this entire month on Brendan Fraser movies. He really made a very specifically humored movie in the 90's, and he made that movie like 45 times. You know what though, I love them all. Blast from the Past? I name dropped that movie yesterday to a chorus of people completely ignoring me! 

So I was so excited when I was reminded of the existence of Dudley Do-Right yesterday, I was so excited to get to work. 

Blah blah blah I'm always wrong. JUMP!

#27 John Carter

The Movie: John Carter of Mars 2012. Written by Mark Andrews, Michael Chabon and Andrew Stanton Directed by Andrew Stanton Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Samantha Morton, Mark Strong, Ciarán Hinds, Dominic West, James Purefoy, and Willem Dafoe as Tars Tarkas

So Octerrible is finally winding down and I honestly couldn't be more happy. I've really enjoyed writing these things, and I appreciate all of you that read them, but I can't wait to watch good movies again. I can't wait so much, I cheated and watched a movie that is a huge bomb that no one saw and everyone thinks is terrible, but here's the thing: everyone is wrong.

#26 The Last Airbender

this scene takes 45 minutes and 5 men to throw a rock, kinda.

The Movie: Avatar: The Last Airbender. Written and Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Starring: A bunch of career-less child actors, The voice of Asami from Legend of Korra, Dev Patel and Aasif Mandvi

You know, after the week of Adam Sandler I promised to give myself a break. Those movies were exceptionally bad, and I knew if I were to finish I'd have to raise the bar on theses movies. The unfortunate side effect of that break I've given myself is that, honestly the movies haven't been terribly bad. So as we're winding down, I thought it only fitting to double down on these. So for the last 6 reviews I'm going deep into the recesses of bad, and pulling out some of the worst movies of all time, starting today with M. Night Shyamalan's opus The Last Airbender.

So... is there anyway I could go back to watching Adam Sandler movies?

#25 Space Jam

The Movie: Space Jam 1996. Written by Leo Benvenuti, Steve Rudnick, Timothy Harris, and Herschel Weingrod Directed by Joe Pytka Staring: Michael Jordan, and Wayne Knight

Everyone I know loves Space Jam. I've literally never met a person who, when asked, says that they dislike this movie. What's not to like? There's a ton of fun 90's music, the cartoons are fun (if not wholly different than the original masterpieces) and Michael Jordan is surprisingly good at holding it all together. 

Man, you guys are going to hate me after this one.

#24 Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

I'm about to be pretty positive to a movie that I hate, so I might as well show the best shot in the film

The Movie: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Written and Directed by George Lucas Starring: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Ian McDiarmid, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, and Frank Oz

I've been really excited about Star Wars recently. The new trailer is awesome and haunting, and it avoided the problem most trailers fall into these days which is telling you everything that happens in a movie. I can't remember the last time I was truly surprised by a movie with this much marketing and backing behind it, but at this point (and they released the last trailer a few days ago) I know little to nothing. I think that's awesome!

So in re-watching the trailer a few times today, I thought it'd be fun to look at the trailers for the prequels. I've made no bones about not enjoying the prequel trilogy at all. But I assumed that the trailers are probably really good. 

I think I might always be wrong.


So after checking out the trailers for ep 2 and 3 (Honestly Phantom Menace's trailer isn't that bad) I thought it was high time I re-watched what I have always considered the worst of the Star Wars movies, Attack of the Clones.

This movie has a Plot. It is dull. There is a bounty hunter who shoots a magic worm to kill Padme (Natalie Portman) so Anikin (Whiny McBadactor) and Obi Wan (Ewan McGregor) give chase. Then there are some clones, which is dumb because Droids would totally be a better way to wage a war. (From a practicality standpoint droids>Storm Troopers) Anikin and Padme fall in love, because...? Anikin kills a bunch of sand people (off screen, because there are kiddies in the audience) Um... then they just do the battle from John Carter of Mars and... Yoda does a dumb flippy fight? I really am trying to be nice.

It's pretty en-vogue to rag on the prequel movies nowadays. Most people (even the apologists for the trilogy) will admit to them not being perfect movies. Jar Jar Binks is super racist and not funny at all. Haden Christensen is maybe the worst leading man in movie history. And nobody (see: NOBODY) cares about galactic senate meetings. But after watching the movie, REALLY watching it I do have quite a few positive takeaways. 

1. Ewan McGregor is an awesome Obi Wan, and every scene he's in seems important

2. The first fight with Obi Wan and jango Fett is really good (Even though the scene before it is crazy bad.)

3. The Silent moment of Anikin going after his mom is probably my favorite scene in the entire Trilogy and Haden Christensen is really good. Which tells me that Lucas is the real problem here.

4. The John Carter of Mars rip off is pretty well done, it's still a rip off, but it does work.

5. Little to no Jar Jar Binks

6. Little to no Jar Jar Binks

7. Mace Windu just straight up decapitating Jango Fett always seemed like a bad move (Like you might have used this interesting character in the next movie) but it's still hilarious if not in the right way.

However all of those positive to semi-positive parts are negated by the worst parts of any of these movies. The terrible and creepy romance of Padme and Anikin, and the really super boring Galactic Senate. You could cut this 2 1/2 hour movie to about 45 min and It'd be pretty ok.

Should you watch this movie? Once

Where can I watch this movie? Rent on Amazon

Recommendation: So in honor of today's movie, I decided to recommend something that I've loved since I saw the first trailer for the series. Cracked's Adventures in Jedi School is a three episode web series that takes place in the Star Wars universe. In it they discuss what an actual Jedi Academy would be like, the tropes of Jedi Training and the merits of "doing but not trying" You can find the entire series here. It's a pretty short watch, and if you love Star Wars it's definitely worth it.

#23 Batman Forever

The Movie: Batman Forever 1995. Written by Academy Award Winning Screen Writer Akiva Goldsman Directed by Joel Schumacher Staring: Val Kilmer, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey, Nicole Kidman, and Chris O'Donnell

My best friend and I got into an argument about which Batman film is better a little while back. We both agree that the Nolan films are superior to the predecessors, it was more a matter of placing them on a scale. He claimed that Returns was superior to Forever, stating that Burton at the height of his powers making the movie HE wanted to was far superior to the Jim Carrey show of Forever. I remembered liking Forever more, I found it more entertaining and I honestly fount returns to be needlessly grotesque and Danny Devito to be a bit tone deaf of a casting choice. So to solve this problem we watched Forever at my house last year.

... You were right Nick... Happy?

#22 Fantastic four (2005)/ A Haiku

Are you ready for the laziest thing I'll ever write?

The movie: Fantastic Four 2005. Written by Michael France, and Mark Frost Directed by Tim Story  Staring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, and Kerry Washington (I know right?)

Guys... it's been a really long day... and it doesn't seem to be getting any shorter, so without further ado

Fantastic Four Haiku...Review... Haikview (I'm really beat)

Should you watch this mo-

-vie? All that I can say is

Fuck Fantastic Four

Recommendation

I'm too sleepy to give a

Recommendation

Sorry for the lazy post guys. I'm really excited to get back after it tomorrow. I'm reviewing Batman Forever.

#21 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

No joke (or insult), this is 100% the best sequence in the film.

The Movie: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 2014. Written by Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec, and Evan Daugherty Directed by Jonathan Liebesman Not Michael Bay Staring: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, and Whoopi Goldberg

I'm nearing the end of Octerrible, and today I'm reviewing a more recent movie. Partly because I think it's worth discussing, and partly because when I review movies that only I've seen, it's just me reading it. While I'm not doing this for recognition (I'm doing it to ward off the never ending pang of depression,) it is nice when these get a certain amount of support.

so enough talking about talking about thins, lets talk about TMNT

#20 I, Frankenstein

The Movie: I, Frankenstein 2014. Written and Directed by Stuart Beattie Staring: Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, and Jai Courtney

I'm really good at having opinions. I don't mean to brag (and in fact I think it's not something to brag about) but I really know how to express why I enjoy or do not enjoy something. I always have. But every so often there comes along something that neither immediately tickles my fancy, nor does it raise any alarms. Quite often these are things I can do with out, since the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. However there is an even rarer bird, something so indescribably interesting and grotesque that I can't claim to not care. Fascinating in ways and dull and boring in others.

Guys... I really don't know how I feel about I, Frankenstein...

#19 Grease 2

The Movie:Grease 2. 1982. Written by Ken Finkleman Directed by Patricia Birch Staring: Maxwell Caulfield and Michelle Pfeiffer

I love musicals. I always have. Movie musicals are not without their flaws, but I love several regardless of whether something is better on stage or not. My car is named Audrey, and when it becomes a mess I call it two-y (because it eats everything.) I think Bye Bye Birdie is incredible in film, and even though it might be the lesser product, I prefer the film version of The Producers.

So now that I've explained that I don't hate the genre, let me tell you why Grease (and it's sequel) are trash

#18 The Scorpion King

The movie: The Scorpion King. 2002. Written by Stephen Sommers, William Osborne, and David Hayter Directed by Chuck Russell Staring: Dwayne Johnson The Rock, Kelly Hu, Bernard Hill, Grant Heslov, Peter Facinelli, Steven Brand, and Michael Clarke Duncan

This is more like it.

#17 Big Daddy

The Movie: Big Daddy.1999. Written by Steve Franks, Tim Herlihy. and Adam Sandler Directed by Dennis Dugan Starring: Adam Sandler, Joey Lauren Adams, Jon Stewart, Rob Schneider, with Cole Sprouse and Dylan Sprouse, and Leslie Mann

This is the second Adam Sandler movie I've watched wherein he's been unfairly (and unexpectedly) saddled with a child, and you know what? Sandler is charming when trying to be a good dad. In That's my Boy he's doing this terrible accent, and the character is utterly charmless, EXCEPT when he's having to teach his now adult son how to ride a bike, or going out drinking and rekindling a dead relationship. The problem with That's my Boy is that it was rooted in a real world tragedy. Without that, I was certain that the film could have been pretty good.

Big Daddy proves that point quite nicely.

#16 That's my Boy

Me too Andy... Me too.

The movie: That's my Boy 2012. Written by David Caspe Directed by Sean Anders Staring:Andy Samberg and Adam Sandler

That's my Boy begins with a 13 year old named Donnie Berger being sexually assaulted by a teacher. The two begin a torrid affair, and are eventually caught. The teacher is impregnated, and a court gives her 30 years in prison, and awards the child to Donnie's abusive father until Donnie is old enough to take custody of the child.

If that sounds like the makings for laugh out loud comedy, congratulations you fucking sociopath, this movie is totally for you.

#15 Click

I chose this photo for any of you that have fond memories of this movie.

The Movie: Click. 2006. Written by Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe Directed by Frank Coraci. Starring: Adam Sandler, Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Walken, Henry Winkler, David Hasselhoff, Julie Kavner, Jennifer Coolidge, and Sean Astin. 

(Int. board room)

     10 nameless white men in business suits sit at a table clamoring These are the taste makers. The deciders of all pop culture. The Studio Executives of Happy Madison Productions. An older man sits at the head of the table, like a king. His underlings clamor in an anxious flurry of fear and sweat. The room goes silent, as the Boss tilts his head toward one of the men sitting near him, propositioning him to speak

Studio Exec 1: What if we did a modern retelling of It's a Wonderful Life?
Studio Exec 2: But we can edge it up! Like make it wackier!

      The boss is silent. He strokes his chin with the front of his fat middle finger. The whole room waits on bated breath before finally the man speaks.

Studio Boss: ...That is brilliant. Who do you think we should get                           for the Jimmy Stewart role?

Studio Exec 2: How about the guy that played the Waterboy and Little Nicky?

Studio Boss: We're going to make so much money you guys.

Budget	$82.5 million
Box office	$237.6 million

And so it was

#14 Billy Madison

The Movie: Billy Madison. 1995.Written by Adam Sandler and Tim Herlihy Directed by Tamra Davis Staring: Adam Sandler Bradley Whitford, Bridgette Wilson, Norm Macdonald, and Darren McGavin

Three days in to Adam Sandler week, and I thought it would be a good idea to watch one of the golden age Sandler vehicles that everyone seems to have some semblance of affection. Billy Madison is half of the infamous Sandler production company Happy Madison, so it seems important to review it in order to understand the appeal of Sandler and how he got to be the juggernaut of the box office he is (or perhaps used to be, as pixels bombed)

#13 Grown Ups

The Movie: Grown Ups 2010. Written by Adam Sandler and Fred Wolf Directed by Dennis Dugan Staring:Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider

-Fart noise-

I watched this movie with the closed captions and that comes across the screen like 15 times. Not since the Master of Disguise have I seen a movie so attached to gross out humor like this one. So it's been like 6 days. that's not actually very much. You'll have to excuse me, it's very late and I'm reviewing Grown Ups so I'm not in a great head-space.

Anyway...

This is a movie so bad that Rob Schneider wouldn't come back for the sequel. Seriously, that should be the whole review. It's so bad the star of the Animal, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, and The Hot Chick wouldn't come back for a another round, Zero stars. But I don't give star ratings, I tell you whether or not a film is worth your time, so in order to do that we must discuss what this film is.

-Fart noise-

#12 Pixels

The Movie: Pixels 2015. Written by Tim Herlihy Directed by Chris Columbus Staring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Michelle Monaghan, Peter Dinklage, and Josh Gad

Pixels is one of the worst reviewed movies of the year. It has been accused of being the worst thing that has ever happened to film. It's been called lazy, hack-y, gross, sexist and scrotal cancer (to which it was actually compared in this article by Dave Smith from Business Insider) so you're probably excited for an impassioned take down of the last in a long string of poorly received Sandler vehicles.

So here's the part where I disappoint you.