Saturday, October 31, 2015

#31 Batman and Robin


The Movie: Batman and Robin 1997. Written by Academy Award Wining Writer Akiva Goldsman Directed by Joel Schumacher Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George ClooneyChris O'DonnellUma Thurman, and Alicia Silverstone

I'm not going to lie to you guys, I wasn't sure I'd make it to this one tonight. I just got of the worst/most-unprofessional tech day of my life. I spent 9 hours moving a giant platform, with a grand piano on it, back and forth, so honestly I'm running on fumes. Or should I say spite. Because when I thought about the idea of packing in my movie review month the day it finished because of some unprofessional dick doesn't understand that things move slowly when you put a grand piano on top of them sounded worse than any fate that could befall me. I will not give up. I will not fail you (the 5-15 people who read these). I will endure.

So enough self-aggrandizing on to the snobbery and esoteric references. (Something something Booster Gold.) Do you guys want me to summarize this movie? I mean, no right? everyone has seen the movie where the guy who wants a new ice age, and the lady who wants the planet to be covered in plants team up to do those things and never question how that was going to work out in the end. Also the only batman movie featuring the BatCredit Card (Never leave the cave with out it)? Also bat girl is in it, but she seems really bored.

Batman and Robin is, I think, perhaps the most important bad movie ever made. It's a symbol to greedy cash ins. It is the patron saint of the Hate Watch, and (truly) a fabulous piece of pop-art.

It is also a piece of shit.


Friday, October 30, 2015

#30 Mortdecai


The Movie:Mortdecai 2015. Written by Eric Aronson Directed by David Koepp Starring: Johnny Depp

So I saw Mortdecai for the first time early this year., and I had food poisoning the day after, and I have to say given the choice between the two, I definitely preferred the food poisoning.

Jesus this movie is bad. I don’t even know where to start. The movie follows johnny depp as the titular Mortdecai, who has just started to grow a mustache. No really. There is a plot about some sort of lost art, and I believe that Depp played an illegal art dealer in the movie, but the crux of the plot lies on Johnny Depp (and his funny* accent) not wanting to shave his new mustache, and his wife (played lamely by Gwyneth Paltrow’s funny* accent) gagging every time she kisses him. 

Now I can say all of this to you, and I’m sure you know this movie is garbage. I’m sure you knew before I said anything. Anyone who’s seen a trailer for this movie knows it looks like the same schlock Depp has been putting out for a while now.

Except it’s not.

this movie is so unbelievably bad. It’s a comedy -or I was led to believe it was- yet there is hardly anything that you could constitute as a joke. Depp and Paltrow have funny* accents, sure but they’re so bad it’s almost unintelligible. People give Adam Sandler hell for his late Jerry Lewis-esque movies (as well they should) but at least Grown Ups 2 has jokes. Sure they’re dumb and racist an homophobic and base, but they are jokes. Even if you don’t laugh, you can imagine a person who might laugh at them. 

Mordtecai is astonishing. I sat in the theater honestly for 45 min not fully understanding the plot or the circumstances or the characters. This is a movie, by the way, that has Johnny Depp narrating over the entirety of the run. Yet I still found myself not understanding what was going on, or why I should care. Say what you will about Paul Blart: Mall Cop (its not funny and Kevin James makes my face sad) but at least I could watch that, and understand the plot and characters. Mortdecai is so late to establishing itself, that I couldn’t care if I tried. and I did try!

One positive thing, I guess, is the film’s cinematography. Allison watched with me, and she pointed out how beautifully shot this movie is. I just wish the DP was off doing something better with his time. (Florian Hoffmeister, in case you were wondering)


Should you watch this movie? No

Where can you watch this movie? Amazon


No Recommendation today. I am the sleeps.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

#29 Free Birds



The Movie: Free Birds (2013)Written and Directed by Jimmy Hayward. Starring:Owen WilsonWoody Harrelson, and Amy Poehler
There are very few wide release animated films that don’t carry a Disney or DreamWorks insignia. As a fan of both independent film and animated features, I was hesitantly optimistic about Reel FX Creative Studios and Relativity Media’s Free Birds-perhaps it would be better than anyone gave it credit for being. Unfortunately it did not live up to my relatively low expectations
If you don’t know the premise, it stars Owen Wilson as Reggie the pardoned Turkey of 2013 and Woody Harrelson as Jake a turkey with a troubled past hell bent on going back in time to take turkey off of the thanksgiving menu. I have to admit; when I heard the conceit I was excited. Time travel is one of my favorite ideas in any media. My favorite books involve time travel, as do several of my favorite movies.  Time travel, I think, is a ubiquitous thought. The need and want to go back and fix an error in our lives, or in the lives of others is very human. This premise-delivered directly to camera by Harrelson’s Jake- is hilariously offbeat, even in a genre full of offbeat ideas. Unfortunately Free Birds is a movie that touches on ideas but never comes close to delivering on a single one.
The problem is systemic. It’s a structural problem that I see more and more movies struggling with. Free Birds stars Reggie (Owen Wilson) the average action/animated hero. A smarter-than-everyone-around-him plucky introvert with a heart of gold and “deep” personal insecurities- that really just boil down to being lonely- who saves the day and gets the girl. If this were a live action movie he’d be played by Charlie Hunnam. He is the embodiment of “scruffy white male” (even though in truth he is a clean shaven brown turkey) I don’t know why Hollywood seems to believe that a movie can only star a scruffy white male. There are countless movies that could be improved if we could try another character as the audience surrogate.
Aside from Reggie, the film stars Harrelson as Jake, who he plays in his very Harrelson way of bizarre speech patterns and tough guy bravado. Harrelson is one of the few bright spots in the film. It’s a shame so much of it is devoted to the boring Reggie character and his hackneyed love story with Amy Poehler’s Jenny-the which should bear little mention in any review. Also positive is the Time Machine named S.T.E.V.E played with aplomb by George Takei. Honestly S.T.E.V.E is the only truly unique part of Free Birds, which is saying a lot for a movie with such a unique premise.
The second biggest disappointment-aside from not delivering on a winning premise- is the waste of an incredibly talented cast. Everyone in this film is truly hilarious in other things. Your time would be much better spent watching any of those things. This is a movie with Owen Wilson, Woody Harrelson, Amy Poehler, George Takei and Keith David, and it can’t seem to make the jokes land. All of that lies directly on the shoulders of the writers.  
At the end of the day, Free Birds is a forgettable film. A movie with so much borrowed humor that has been done better in nearly every other incarnation. I see no reason to put effort into watching this film.

Should you watch this movie? Nah.

Where can I watch this movie? Netflix.

Recommendation: I really hate morning zoo style radio shows. I think they bring out the worst in people and are almost exclusively angry white menBeing vaguely racist/homophobic/sexist/generally the worst kind of human garbage. So it is actually quite odd that I love Jordan Jesse Go! the flagship (?) podcast of the Maxfun network. In it "America's Radio Sweetheart" Jesse Thorn and "Boy Wonder" Jordan Morris kind of just bullshit around with a guest, it is in many ways similar to a normal morning zoo style. However Thorn's focus, and Morris' affability (along with riffs that never know when to quit) provide some of the biggest laughs I've ever had. You can find it here, or download it on Itunes.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

#28 Dudley Do-Right


The Movie: Dudley Do-Right 1999. Written and Directed by Hugh Wilson. Starring: Brendan FraserSarah Jessica Parker, and Alfred Molina as Snidely Whiplash

I could probably have done this entire month on Brendan Fraser movies. He really made a very specifically humored movie in the 90's, and he made that movie like 45 times. You know what though, I love them all. Blast from the Past? I name dropped that movie yesterday to a chorus of people completely ignoring me! 

So I was so excited when I was reminded of the existence of Dudley Do-Right yesterday, I was so excited to get to work. 

Blah blah blah I'm always wrong. JUMP!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

#27 John Carter



The Movie: John Carter of Mars 2012. Written by Mark AndrewsMichael Chabon and Andrew Stanton Directed by Andrew Stanton Starring: Taylor KitschLynn Collins, Samantha MortonMark StrongCiarán HindsDominic WestJames Purefoy, and Willem Dafoe as Tars Tarkas

So Octerrible is finally winding down and I honestly couldn't be more happy. I've really enjoyed writing these things, and I appreciate all of you that read them, but I can't wait to watch good movies again. I can't wait so much, I cheated and watched a movie that is a huge bomb that no one saw and everyone thinks is terrible, but here's the thing: everyone is wrong.

Monday, October 26, 2015

#26 The Last Airbender

this scene takes 45 minutes and 5 men to throw a rock, kinda.
The Movie: Avatar: The Last Airbender. Written and Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Starring: A bunch of career-less child actors, The voice of Asami from Legend of KorraDev Patel and Aasif Mandvi

You know, after the week of Adam Sandler I promised to give myself a break. Those movies were exceptionally bad, and I knew if I were to finish I'd have to raise the bar on theses movies. The unfortunate side effect of that break I've given myself is that, honestly the movies haven't been terribly bad. So as we're winding down, I thought it only fitting to double down on these. So for the last 6 reviews I'm going deep into the recesses of bad, and pulling out some of the worst movies of all time, starting today with M. Night Shyamalan's opus The Last Airbender.

So... is there anyway I could go back to watching Adam Sandler movies?


Sunday, October 25, 2015

#25 Space Jam


The Movie: Space Jam 1996. Written by Leo BenvenutiSteve RudnickTimothy Harris, and Herschel Weingrod Directed by Joe Pytka Staring: Michael Jordan, and Wayne Knight

Everyone I know loves Space Jam. I've literally never met a person who, when asked, says that they dislike this movie. What's not to like? There's a ton of fun 90's music, the cartoons are fun (if not wholly different than the original masterpieces) and Michael Jordan is surprisingly good at holding it all together. 

Man, you guys are going to hate me after this one.